Thanksgiving Survival: How to Properly Survive the Turkey Reckoning

When Thanksgiving disaster strikes, breath mints and a Nintendo won’t be enough if you want to survive the Turkey Reckoning. Thanksgiving is a special holiday where we all join together to appreciate the people in our lives. However, that can be difficult to do when out of nowhere an emergency occurs. Flash floods, fires, and the rise of the poultry armies are only a few of the many tragedies that can befall us. Thankfully (pun intended), here is a handy list of supplies you’ll need to deal with Thanksgiving emergencies, so you can get back to appreciating the presence of your Conservative Uncle Gordon.

Ectoplasmic Detector: The most important item needed for any standard Thanksgiving banquet. Consider this: the turkey has gone missing, and the extended family has been invited over. If faced with this emergency, take a deep breath and think before you panic. Where could the turkey have possibly gone? Evaluate the possibility of a pet stealing this staple food item. For families without any household pets, this is where the detector comes into play. Halloween may have already passed, but for the supernatural, Thanksgiving is the afterparty. If a state of the art ectoplasm detector isn’t picking up any signs of paranormal activity, it’s time to face the music. The turkey has undoubtedly developed some form of ESP or magic. Junior Shiro Swift elaborates on where the turkey has vanished to. “The turkey is alive. Little do you know it also happens to be the leader of a widespread turkey rebellion. They have enlisted the help of a tofu turkenoid army to carry out more difficult tasks. They are coming for you.” If they are planning an attack, there really isn’t any solution. So take this as a sign from the universe. Vegan ham is a delicious alternative, and the stars have aligned to tell you to try some.

Flamethrower: A broken oven? Not a problem, an instantly charred and partially edible meal is within reach. All that’s needed is a flamethrower to liven up the party. This emergency supply may be bulky but is also multi-purposeful. Whether it’s party tricks or using it to fight the fire breaking out in the kitchen, it’s a must-have item. Fighting fire with fire is counter-productive, but at this rate you might as well throw in the towel.

Rope: The ultimate tragedy has occurred, someone has choked on the stuffing and has dropped dead. The silver lining is it wasn’t you. The golden lining is hopefully it’s a family member you don’t particularly like. Now, you may be thinking that calling the police is the right things to do, but it’s quite the contrary. Instead, pull out your thinking fedora and lock all the doors. No one is allowed to leave until the killer is caught, and you’re on the case. Everyone’s a suspect, and all of the family’s dark secrets are coming out. Once you have thoroughly destroyed all of the familial bonds, announce that you were the culprit, and make your escape. How will you make your escape? With your emergency rope, hop out the window, of course.

A Really Big Fork: Whether at your home or someone else’s, the forks probably aren’t big enough. Therefore, bringing your own extra large utensil is the only option. Not only will it help you secure the largest portions and knock away competitors utensils, it also serves to protect you in the event of an unforeseen attack. One must go through extensive padawan training before they’re ready to handle the fork.

Mashed Potatoes: Remember, at the dinner table, sometimes mashed potatoes are your only ally. Screaming younger cousin? Pacify them with potatoes. Passionate Conservative relative? Help them knock back a few taters to quell their debating. Offensive sibling kicking you under the table? Let the creamy root vegetable go flying through the air. Let the white mass arc like a rainbow, with the pot of gold being someone else’s face. The most efficient way of using this ancient silencing technique is to keep a plastic bag full of potatoes in your pocket at all times.

Cinnamon: When Aunt Carol starts saying something doesn’t taste right, whip out a bottle of cinnamon and shake it all over her food. Sprinkle some in her mouth for good measure. She’ll be so focused on the taste of the cinnamon she won’t even notice the cranberry sauce had salt spilled in it.

Carving Knife: Unlike a regular knife, this one has Thanksgiving spirit. Junior Courtney Carter is a hardcore Thanksgiving padawan and has already thought ahead about how to use the skills passed down to her from her teacher. “If someone cooks one of my chickens instead of a turkey, I’d be completely destroyed. That carving knife would be in someone’s neck,” she states seriously. Carter is a prime example of how all SLV students should approach Thanksgiving. When Thanksgiving takes a swing, pull out the carving knife. Thanksgiving is not only a time to be grateful, but to be assertive as well.

Raft: An inflatable raft in your back pocket is only common sense. While no one was looking, the cat jumped on the counter and knocked over a plate. The plate rolled and hit a lamp, which hit a vase, which was heavy enough to break the wall and the pipe inside. Before anyone can think, the house is flooding. And as the old saying goes, he who holds the raft, holds the power. The owner of the raft can now decide who survives. Be cautious in not letting this power go straight to your head since side effects include headaches and nausea.

Fire Extinguisher: While this one is only common sense, we felt the need to add this to also pass on a piece of advice: don’t eat anything after using the extinguisher. The whipped cream might be carbon dioxide in disguise.

However, the most pressing emergency can’t be solved with a simple fork. You find yourself at the table, and wonder, how do you enjoy Thanksgiving? Is it the food, the historical meaning, or conversations that makes it special? The answer for everyone will be different. Some people like to eat yams and marshmallows, others like to reconnect with family they haven’t seen in a long time. Tilia Lundberg reveals how important it is that she’s surrounded by those that she loves on the holiday.“It’s hard when someone who is supposed to be there isn’t. It can feel strange as if something is missing, and the thing is you know what’s missing… who’s missing, and there isn’t much you can do about it. Not to sound too sentimental and all, but family and friends bring a lot to the holiday- whether it be the food, the environment, etc.- so who you’re surrounded with really makes or breaks a holiday,” she says.

Sure, you can keep all of these emergency supplies on your person, but what really matters is that you should be thinking about those around you. For Thanksgiving, your friends, family, and pets deserve all of the extra love and thanks you can supply. Tell your loved ones how much you appreciate having them in your life before you start launching food at your tablemates.

by Cat Shewfelt

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