SLVHS Students Preparing for Battle in Candy Corn Wars

The Skeleton War, the memes, and now, the Candy Corn Wars. Candy corn factions have already been formed, and October 31st could turn into a full-on bloodbath as tensions between candy corn enthusiasts and anti-corners begin to escalate.

Candy preference has always been a topic once the spooky month rolls around, with candy trades and planning which houses to go to based on if they hand out Snickers or toothbrushes. However, the question of whether candy corn is trash or treasure has reached the peak of debate. The triangle made primarily out of sugar, a staple treat for Halloween, is appealing to 68.75% San Lorenzo Valley students, while 28.13% of students vehemently despise it. Taking into consideration all of the different candy corn factions, we will now determine who is right in this battle of the ages.

On one hand, we have the “praise the candy corn spirits” side, who voted that they weep with joy upon laying their eyes upon candy corn. While many just wrote a brief answer about how it tastes good, many wrote long proclamations about their undying devotion to the sweet. Sophomore Mira Wichelmann says, “It brings converts me into my truest and purest form, that of a creature who has been stripped away from the hum of the daily revolving world and brought into a separate plane of white, orange, and yellow. All hail the saintly corn spirit.” Freshman Matthew Mealing said, “It tastes delicious. The sweetness of the candy corn just explodes in your mouth when you sink your teeth into it. I could eat thirty-seven of them in a row without puking, but if I ate thirty-seven of some other candy like Tootsie Rolls, I would probably die. Candy corns also have a very interesting color pattern.” He continues on the philosophize on the visuals of the treat. Perhaps if he continues, he will spiritually ascend to the world of the corn spirits.

And then there is the “usurp the candy corn gods” faction. While their numbers may be small, they are ferocious and willing to fight for their faction. Johan Eriksen says “Supporters of the Candy Corn faction are traitors, and they must suffer accordingly.” Erickson also reveals his emotional tale about his sister. “[Her] life was claimed by the Candy Wars, the existence of candy corn is an affront to her legacy.” Senior Sarah Wapner says “I would not fight someone who enjoys candy corn… however I may silently judge them.” Joe Rosenquist, class of 2021, won’t fight either, instead stating, “People can have their opinions, I just think they’re wrong.” Senior Brittney Wood says “The texture is disgusting, the taste is horrible and it cannot hold its own against greater candies that are available during this wonderful time of year.” An anonymous senior sums up the general attitude of the entire faction by saying, “It’s peasant food, unworthy of tasting the mighty buds on my tongue.”

A subcategory of the previous faction is those who have “been done a personal wrong by candy corn.” Senior Claire Hendricks describes a heartbreaking tragedy about her candy corn gorging brother, “he ended up puking candy corn all over my witch costume. I would for sure fight someone.” Sophomore Madeleine New made a fatal error, “I thought it was going to be a citrus-lemon type thingy, and when I ate it, it tasted so bad. I tried to spit it out, and I choked on it.” Others have been through intense trauma and still struggle with remembering the horrors of candy corn every day. “They…they came at night…dressed in yellow, orange, and white…I can still hear the screams….” Emma Chambers, class of 2018 said. We have not been able to track Chambers down for the full story, and have reason to believe the candy corn is finishing what it started. We can only wish her luck and hope someday we can know what she witnessed.

Another side who has popped up is, as we have dubbed them, the “Triangle Enthusiasts.” Junior Jack Calden calls candy corn a “tasty little pyramid.” Freshman Noel Bresson asks us, “how could you not like a solid sugar triangle?” Several SLV students brought up the shape of the treat, leading us to believe they may be invested for more than just the taste. Illuminati confirmed? Not yet, but we’re close.

Finally, we have the most unexpected faction, the “relating candy corn to real food” supporters. Junior Jazz Khokar, in response to the question of whether he would debate with another candy corn faction, said “I’d yell ‘What’s wrong with you?! Candy is sweet and corn saved the Pilgrims from starvation. Candy and corn are meant to be together!’” Carli Grillo, class of 2021, says “[Candy corn] makes me feel healthy because it’s corn and corn is a fruit.” Wikipedia has classified corn as a grain, but it seems Grillo is a progressive thinker. Randall Skoog, class of 2020, explains how “I love candy corn for the same reason some people like bananas, like a handful of candy corn is just enough, any more and it’s gross, same with bananas, if you have like four bananas your body is just like ‘okay, that’s enough potassium for another millennium.’” We have yet to reach out to Skoog to inquire if he’s digesting enough potassium.

So who is right? Wrong? Clearly confused? We don’t know, and neither do you. All we can do is provide a compromise, and hope it can curb the bloodlust of the masses. If you dislike candy corn, then all you have to do is give it to someone who does. Your friend, family member, or a classmate, just pass the sugar baton and give them all of your triangles. The corn-enthusiasts, sated and content, will quell their rage. There will be peace among the factions, and all will be well for the Halloweens to come.

By Cat Shewfelt

Image courtesy of Cat Shewfelt

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